flipped it over turned it round but still the world seems uʍop ǝpısdn

My old man is a bad man but
I can't deny the way he holds my hand
And he grabs me, he has me by my heart
----------------------------------------------------
please ots, please stop. i cant takethis. uni is perfect. hes perfect and im so happy with him and im moving on and so happy and he cares so much and he makes me feel magical and then you step in and what are you doing? you have your girlfriend, and no i dont like her but you two together are good and i cant be with you even if she didn't exist because of j and m and r and are you just messing with me? you joke about wanting to kiss me and make out and you massage me and touch my hand and hold me and i used to indulge in it but now im with uni and i cant but you keep moving on me and you hit me and choke me and i feel insane but i love how you hurt me, not the emotional urt, when your hand was around my neck and you bent your thumb to press down on my windpipe i wanted you to kill me. it wouldve made me happy. we sit close in the dark of the auditorium and lean against each other, you feed me things and give me music and give me clothes and i cant tell if you might be trying to get with me or just messing with me. who are you, what are we? im sick of who i am when im around you but i love being with you just the same and i cant i need to move on why are you making this so difficult?
do you...like me how i like you?
it doesnt matter to me anymore...
thats a lie...it matters a ton. i just couldnt do anything anyway

how is it
someone so perfect
has entered my life
at the perfect time?
ots,
maybe i can finally
move
on

i wonder if you bled
i wonder what you used
a letter opener like me?
its my fault
did i teach you to take out your pain like this?
remember when you found out,
i had only done it a couple of times
but you swore me to never cut again
i had hurt you so much
and now have i taught you
that this works?
i wonder if you bled
 
no pain is worth your blood
no pain is worth your life
until now
i’ve been living in this fantasy,
that the middle school pain that got to me,
would never reach my natalie
my natalie.
 
no boy who’s nasty like that
no boy who’s tricky like that
is worth your blood
is worth your life
you think he is, you know he is
i knew he was when i was you
and now he’s not even a ghost
my natalie, blood won’t set you free
listen to me, remember to breathe
dance with me, natalie
natalie, natalie
my natalie

that gut sinking feeling of her profile picture changing
and yet you smile.
 
because you know its good.
its good.
and then you feel happy.
 
then you run into the other her at the place where you had your first date.
shehas a haircut.
she looks so lovely.
shes exactly the same.
but happy.
and youre still speechless.
 

he says another innappropriate thing. and you hate him and yet want to kiss himso badly while he holds her hand.
 
you watch an 80s movie with molly ringwald and shes a dork like you but somehow the magical perfect guy she likes ends up liking her back. for some reason they get together and you just wonder how the heck to do that in real life.

dear lionness,
 
thinking about breaking your heart like i already have makes my stomach go crazy with nerves and my breathing nearly stop.i hate hurting you. and i hate being alone. when i know that i at least have someone out there that cares about me as much as you do, im a bit comforted despite all the madness in ym head and life. being alone is so scary. i haven't been alone for so long. i was with jessie for 6 months, and almost 5 for you if we don't count the 2week long break form each other. you are so perfect. you are. the perfect girlfriend and youve done everythign right and i should be happy thati got someone so flawless that cares about me so much but i just...i can't lie to myself. i love you, but im not atttracted to you. not romantically at least. we've kissed, we've even kissed a lot and all it is to me is lips and wet and im always the one topull away first because no matter how hard i try i just can't be with you that way. i can't love you the ay you love me. i can't. i hate that i can't. i hate that i cant meet your eyes or say 'i love you' back every mornign and night. i hate that i can't invite you oevr to kiss because when we do i just want to stop. its not that youre bad, i probably suck or something, but it feels wrong. when i kissed jessie, i felt something. when i think about kissing ofthesea just the thoguht makes my head spin. i just cant lvoe you that way. i cant. i want to but i cant and its unfair for you to be with someone that doesnt and cant love you back the same way. i lvoe you, i promise i do, and you've done everything right. bu i think i can only ever be a friend toyou. no- i know it. this si my first step to getting out of this funk im in. im not going to chase after ofthesea because he's happily taken, im not going to chase after anyone. i need to be alone for a while and find myself again. im sorry.
 
love,
 
your king

i prefer hugs over kisses, i really do.
i guess kisses are only special and feel so amazing if you're kissing the person you really want and love...

why am i so superficial?
she's PERFECT and is the nicest person i could have asked for, there is no one that could ever care about me more or this well and trsuting and so how come i keep thinking to to throw this all away? WHY CAN I NOT BE ATTRACTED TO HER? WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ATTRACTED TO HIM? WHY CAN'T I JUST STOP LEADING HER ON TO MAKE THINGS SEEM OKAY? THEYRE NOT OKAY AND ITL JUST HURT HER MORE BECAUSE IF EEL LIKE IM MAKING THE WRONG CHOICE. my heart says: no she isnt the one despite it all. my head says: are you crazy? the perfetc person wantsyou and is right in front of you, don't let her go. im so confused. if i go with my heart il be an idiot and who knows if il be happy. she won't be happy. she'll feel like i punched her staright in the heart without giving her any sign of trouble. and we wont go back together well. we wont be friends after. she'll see me as deceitful and superficial because i am. i want to be touched, to be loved and she's right here willing to give me all this but i won't because it doesnt feel right. kissing her makes guilt fill me up and i feel nothing- no sparks, theyre just lips and i pull back instantly. im so lost and don't now what to do..hhow can i hurt her again? how can i lose osmeone so precious even though i know i dont love them the way i should?

ots-
 
you're magic, you know that? and i really hate labels. i hate em. lesbian, bi, pansexual, straight, transgender...how will i ever know what the heck i am? people are so obsessed with labeling themselves to make thinsg easier but for me it makes it harder. its probably because i think so much. because im constantly changing and my heart ahs become so open. im definitely not a lesbian but im definitely not straight. and i want a relationship so badly but can't seem to function naturally when im in one. i dont know what i want anymore. i have the perfect girlfriend- i can trust ehr above else and she loves me and says so despite how i havent even told her that because i dont know if i do. im so lucky to have her. she listens and cares and thinks me being so weird is adorable and is a writer like me and has similar big dreams and it isnt as awkward as my last relationship...but i still...i feel empty. we kiss and its just lips. what does she feel?something more? i stole her first kiss from ehr and i didnt even feel anything. i broke up with her once and hated how much i hurt her and missed being with someone. we're trying again because i really wanted to give it another shot, to have a real girlfriend and a happy romance with thisperson, but i still feel so empty. why do i feel so empty? with some boys i know, i feel like every time they look at me, there is electric and those feelings you get when you know you're attracted to that perosn. i find myself daydreaming about being with them and am so tempted to try and make a move but pull back when i realize how terrible thatw ould be to my girlfriend. my perfect, caring, wonderful girlfriend that deserves someone so much better. im not dying over the long hopeless crush i had anymore, ive moved on partially from that but now everyday im getting enchanted by someone else, a boy. someone i really shouldnt be attracted to because he is opposite many things i believe in and though he is handsome and a good friend, he's taken and im taken and i cant tell if hes ever felt anythign for me. i shouldnt even try to tell. im llucky to have my girlfriend and he always speaks about makign out with his girlfriend to me and it kills me a little inside. im attracted to certain people no matter their gender, but im so trapped and contineing to trap myself with commitment to my girlfriend because he have this pretend wedding planned and all this fun stuff planned an im excited and then realize how much i wish it was with someone else and feel terrible for not recognizing how amazing she is. well, this was nice venting i guess. ugh im just so stuck...

why TT__TT
who knows.
i can't remember the last time i was so attracted to anyone
or yes- i do
her. not the usual her
only attracted due to looks i mean
but you....
i need to get you out from ym head. i have to forget you like this. still be your friend but not think like this. you have a girlfriend and so do i. but i cant help but think...do you want me to? just a little? a little nagging part just like mine? or am i just seeing things, am blind and am making this up?
 
im entering dangerous waters.
i shouldnt be with you alone. but that would be the ultimate test wouldnt it?
but no, not safe.
WHY DO I EVEN THINK IT WOULD BE UNSAFE???
you wouldnt try anything- right?
unless im right
and what if you do?
and how would that sound anyway, you and me hanging out alone?
it would seem...suspicious for some reason
right?
 
right?
i have no idea whats right and wrong anymore